he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
