paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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