my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
