I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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