every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
