and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
