I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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