Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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