Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
