I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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