If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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