I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
