I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
i think my cat just said my name.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
