Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
