He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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