yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
