Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Where is the hickey?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
