I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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