He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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