my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
