My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
