he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
