why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
