no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
and she was petting her beer can
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize