If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
