Can Purell be used as lube?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
