and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
