just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
