You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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