So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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