mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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