the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
