Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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