Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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