Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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