My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
