yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize