we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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