My underwear smells like fireworks.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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