My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize