I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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