the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
