The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
