im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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