I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
3pm strippers are depressing
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
