Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
