someone owes me an orgasm
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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