every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
