I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
