Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
