i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
