My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
