My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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