Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
