I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
