I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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