We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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