I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
