exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
