Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
