Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
