I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
