He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
